awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox