hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i can juggle bunnies
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?