If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite