we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.