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I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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