you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to