It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami