Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.