The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.