If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.