I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
