let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.