let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.