My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Who wears a wallet chain?!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song