I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.