i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top