The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"