I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.