he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"