I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.