Texts From Last Night

aussiedude's Favorites Texts:

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  (770): View more from Georgia

  To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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  (770): To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present. http://tfl.nu/n1ow
  Replies (8) Good night (618) Bad night (2030) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.

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  (618): I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera. http://tfl.nu/5ed2
  Replies (4) Good night (2173) Bad night (448)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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  (928): He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner. http://tfl.nu/dvnd
  Replies (13) Good night (3984) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (365): View more from

  I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

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  (365): I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors. http://tfl.nu/2m9c
  Replies (1) Good night (3146) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?

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  (517): hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive? http://tfl.nu/un6m
  Replies (9) Good night (4273) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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  (360): I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too http://tfl.nu/ui5h
  Replies (6) Good night (3047) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.

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  (954): i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process. http://tfl.nu/s5xk
  Replies (78) Good night (1223) Bad night (5015) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
  Replies (97) Good night (1885) Bad night (22884)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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  (859): I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me. http://tfl.nu/euxr
  Replies (66) Good night (977) Bad night (23275) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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  (630): Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze. http://tfl.nu/d5vp
  Replies (112) Good night (1019) Bad night (23952)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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  (937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1
  Replies (66) Good night (1228) Bad night (24750) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  His pubic hair was longer than his dick

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  (636): His pubic hair was longer than his dick http://tfl.nu/f6nh
  Replies (68) Good night (912) Bad night (25824) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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  (616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up. http://tfl.nu/sgel
  Replies (131) Good night (875) Bad night (29011) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
  Replies (87) Good night (3021) Bad night (30127) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
  Replies (155) Good night (1773) Bad night (34545) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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  (305): I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming. http://tfl.nu/oxhe
  Replies (133) Good night (1355) Bad night (36657)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (83) Good night (2826) Bad night (37934) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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  (802): I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/89bk
  Replies (154) Good night (1243) Bad night (39409) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  what the hell does that mean?

  (208): View more from Idaho

  nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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  (208): dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here (1-208): what the hell does that mean? (208): nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages http://tfl.nu/of9o
  Replies (26) Good night (2253) Bad night (3584)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

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  (847): Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight http://tfl.nu/3mek
  Replies (17) Good night (2785) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

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  (804): i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks http://tfl.nu/m5sm
  Replies (23) Good night (563) Bad night (7088) Order T-Shirt
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  (+43): View more from

  After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.

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  (+43): After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order. http://tfl.nu/2l9g
  Replies (14) Good night (3633) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt