I'm going to jail i love you
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.