He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"