When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When are your genitals available?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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