When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina