Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"