Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.