He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
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I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.