you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Are you still at the party or did I leave?