You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.