you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
