I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro