Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..