He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.