do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i would punch a child for taco bell
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.