My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?