I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
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They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
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Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...