Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
