I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?