I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.