dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
