How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT