apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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