You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.