I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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