Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft