and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...