Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
