please come you make the beer taste better
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.