Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?