Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.